Archive | March 2010

Time Expired

Got this from a friend online.  A friend of hers died who had a great sense of humor and always used to say that when she died she wanted a parking meter on her grave that says ‘Expired’.  So her nephew got her one on eBay!  She said that her grave is right by the road so everyone can see it and many people have stopped to get a chuckle. 

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Give us a sense of humor. 
Give us the grace to see a joke, 
To get some humor out of life, 
And pass it on to other folk. 
The irony of life is that, by the time
you’re old enough to know your way
around, you’re not going anywhere. 

     

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Children Writing About the Ocean

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.  (Kelly, age 6)

2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls.  (Jerry, age 6)

3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.  If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.  (age 7)

4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.  She’s not my friend any more.  (Kylie, age 6)

5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.  (Billy, age 8)

6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.  (Millie, age 6)

7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.  Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.  My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.  (William, age 7)

8) – Mermaids live in the ocean.  I like mermaids.  They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?  Like, really?  (Helen, age 6)

9) – I’m not going to write about the ocean.  My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write.  (Amy, age 6)

10) – Some fish are dangerous.  Jellyfish can sting.  Electric eels can give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.  (Christopher, age 7)

11) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.  (Kevin, age 6)

12) – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.  Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.  (Becky, age 8)

13) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing.  She fell off when she was going very fast.  She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.  (Julie, age 7)

14) – The ocean is made up of water and fish.  Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know.  (Bobby, age 6)

15) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean.  He knows all about the ocean.  What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.  (James, age 7)

Humor: You Have to Love Those Irish

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’


Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little bastard!’


David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

David said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly …… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

How Smart Is A Crow?

Watch how he forms the wire to lift with.

Not your average blonde joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.’
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping.  She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife.  The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.’

Video: Whiskey Chimp – If I’d a Shot ya Sooner

(Great tune, but if I were one of the guys on the left, I’d be darn pissed at being cut out of most of the video!)

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

No matter how far our exams are dumbed down, it seems it’s not far enough for today’s pupils.  But rather than admit defeat in the face of tricky questions, some decide to take a more creative approach to their answers.  After scouring exam papers and speaking to teachers, humorist Richard Benson has collected the worst student howlers in a new book.  You won’t know whether to laugh – or cry.

Taken from F In Exams: The Best Test Paper Blunders by Richard Benson (Summersdale Publishers, $5.99)

 

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