Archive | June 2010

A message to the young whippersnappers from the over-40 crowd

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.  When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH WAYS. yadda, yadda, yadda…

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You’ve got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!  We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick my ass!  Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or, you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, baby!  Dig it?

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either.  If you left the house, you just didn’t make a call or receive one.  You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”.  OH MY GOD!!!  Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!

And then there’s TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either!  When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!  You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either!  You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I’m saying?  We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn’t have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!  And car seats – oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were really loved, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!

See?? That’s exactly what I’m talking about!  You kids today have got it too easy.  You’re spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 40 Crowd

British Al Qaeda union set to strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.?? Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this July from 72 to only 54.?? The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action.?? General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.?? We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth.”

Speaking from the shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.?? They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.?? I don’t like cutting wages, but I’d hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway”.

Another reason for the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle — now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, that they are not so keen on going to Paradise.