Archive | September 2010

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.  I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘NO!’

By now I was starting to smile.  ‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered ‘NO!’.

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out: “YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD….”

It’s a curious race, the Irish.

Two Priests in Hawaii

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb.  They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.  They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.  How in the world did she know they were priests?  So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.  Again she nodded at each of them, said, ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’

‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’

She replied, ‘Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.’

Angels, As Explained By Children



I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.

Gregory, age 5

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Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why,but scientists are working on it

-Olive, age 9

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It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven, and then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.


-Matthew, age 9

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Angels work for God and watch over kids when God
has to go do something else.


-Mitchell, age 7

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My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science.


-Henry, age 8

Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy
Cows!!!

-Jack, age 6

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Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up
to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.

Daniel, age 9

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When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there’s a tornado.


-Reagan, age 10

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Angels have a lot to
do and they keep very busy.

If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.

-Sara, age 6

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Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his
son, who’s a very good carpenter.


-Jared, age 8
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All angels are girls because they gotta wear
dresses and boys didn’t go for it.

-Antonio, age 9

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My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got
a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.


-Ashley ~ age 9
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Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal
sick animals and pets. And if
they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
-Vicki, age 8

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What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone
is in love, they shoot arrows at them.

 

 

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The Graveside Service

A HOMELESS MAN’S FUNERALAs a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost…. it’s a man thing.