Archive | February 2011

No Enemies

98 and no enemies — not a bad goal in life.  All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all the sons of bitches.”

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The Lie Detector Robot

Patrick was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.  His wife Sharon had long ago given up trying to get him to change.  One day Patrick came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that Patrick claimed was actually a Lie Detector.  It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 14 year old son, returned home from school.  Tommy was over two hours late.  “Where have you been?  Why are you over two hours late getting home?” asked Patrick.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.  The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son,” said Patrick, “this robot is a lie detector.  Now tell us where you really were after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” said Tommy.

“What did you watch?” asked Sharon.

“The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.  With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down, and said, “I’m sorry I lied.  We really watched a DVD called Sex Queen.”

“I’m ashamed of you, son,” said Patrick.  “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot walked around to Patrick and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Sharon doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one!  You can’t be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!”

The robot walked around to Sharon and knocked her out of her chair.

Do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?

Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.  It said, “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

A middle-aged woman whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)  They have an active sex life,  get pregnant, and have adorable baby whales.  They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.  They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea, and the coral reefs of Polynesia.  Whales are wonderful singers, and have even recorded CDs.  They are incredible creatures and have virtually no predators other than humans.  They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist.  If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis.  Fish or human?  They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?  Just look at them … where is IT?  Therefore, they don’t have kids either.  Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.  With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!