Archive | March 2011

Jesus Knows You’re Here

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh?  Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed.  ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

The New Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the New Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.  Please note that in order to avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Why you shouldn’t take your husband on boring shopping trips

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away’.  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’  EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey!  There’s no toilet paper in here.’  One of the clerks passed out.

If you don’t send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.

High School Prank

With considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don’t know how we missed doing this…
At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank — they let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Nursery Rhymes Revisited (and naughty they are!)

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’ !!

********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Cool website: HEMA Department Store

HEMA is a Dutch department store.  The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam.  Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands.

Take a look at HEMA’s product page.  You can’t order anything and it’s in Dutch – but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.

Don’t click on any of the items in the picture, just wait and see what happens.

This company has a sense of humour and a great computer programmer, who has too much time on his hands.

Click the link below and enjoy – you need sound to enjoy it best!

CLICK: http://producten.hema.nl/

Rube Goldberg would be proud!