Archive | July 2011

Out of the mouths of Sunday School students

LOT ‘S WIFE
The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, ‘My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,’ he announced triumphantly, ‘and she turned into a telephone pole!’

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.  She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I’d throw up.’

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?’
‘No,’ replied Johnny. ‘How could he, with just two worms?’ 

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, ‘We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?’  One child blurted out, ‘Aces!’

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
‘Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. 
Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.’  
‘Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?’ his mother asked.  
‘Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!’

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible ??? Psalm 23.  She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.  Little Rick was excited about the task ??? but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm.  After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.  When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, ‘The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.’

ALL MEN/ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).  For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, ‘And all girls.’  This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, ‘Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?’  Her response, ‘Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!’

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’ s house.  Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.  
‘Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer,’ said his mother.  
‘I don’t need to,’ the boy replied. 
‘Of course, you do.’ his mother insisted.  ‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house.’  
‘That’s at our house,’ Johnny explained.  ‘But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!’

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher’s five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.  One day, she asked him why.  
‘Well, honey,’ he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, ‘I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.’  
‘How come He doesn’t answer it?’ she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, ‘So your mother says your prayers for you each night?  That’s very commendable. What does she say?’  

The little boy replied, ‘Thank God he’s in bed!’

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.  Tommy’s mother was horrified.  She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, ‘Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?’  
Tommy answered soberly, ‘I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!’

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 
‘Yes, sir.’ the boy replied.
‘And, do you always say them in the morning, too?’ the pastor asked.
‘No sir,’ the boy replied. ‘I ain’t scared in the daytime.’

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.  Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.  Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.  The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: February 8, 2011

I know you’re surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.  I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.  I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  
Looking forward to seeing you then.  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

New Dictionary Definitions

Arbitrator ??? A cook who leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable ??? What a bullfighter tries to do.

Burglarise ??? What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters ??? Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse ??? What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper ??? A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes ??? What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank ??? What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Misty ??? How golfers create divots.

Paradox ??? Two physicians.

Parasites ??? What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist ??? A helper on the farm.

Polarise ??? What penguins see with.

Relief ??? What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck ??? What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress ??? Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish ??? What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued ??? Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.