Archive | February 2012

Something in here to offend everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? 

Juan on Juan 

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What is a Yankee? 

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. 

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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? 

The position of the dirt bag 

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Why is divorce so expensive? 

Because it’s worth it. 

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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? 

Doughnuts 

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Why is air a lot like sex? 

Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any. 

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What do you call a smart blonde? 

A golden retriever. 

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What do attorneys use for birth control? 

Their personalities. 

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What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 

10 years and 45 lbs 

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What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 

45 minutes 

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What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? 

Through his chest with a sharp knife 

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Why do men want to marry virgins? 

They can’t stand criticism. 

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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? 

Because those men already have boyfriends. 

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What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? 

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 

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Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 

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Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? 

Because they have cotton balls. 

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What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW? 

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 

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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 

“Are you sure it’s mine?” 

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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? 

Mace will do that to you. 

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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? 

Everyone has the same DNA. 

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Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck
schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? 

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. 

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Where does an Irish family go on vacation? 

A different bar. 

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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby? 

They named him “Sum Ting Wong” 

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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 

A speech impediment 

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What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? 

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”. 

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How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? 

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! 

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What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? 

A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time ..” – 

A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s**t…. 

PARAPROSDOKIANS

I had to look up “paraprosdokian”. Here is the definition:  “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.”   “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom:

“The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

WHEN I SAY I’M BROKE – I’M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man.  “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

”Go away!” said the old lady.  ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.  ”Don’t be too hasty!” he said.  ”Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  “Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”