Archive | November 2009

Humor: Proud to be from Texas

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:  “California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”

One week later, The Dallas Morning News reported the following:  “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard, Vinny ‘The Salami’ Manziano, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Vinny has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.”

Just makes me proud to be from Texas.

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"The Rules": The Men’s Version

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.  Finally, the guys’ side of the story.  We always hear “the rules” from the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side.  These are our rules!  Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

 

1.  Learn to work the toilet seat.  You’re a big girl.  If it’s up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

1.  Sunday sports.  It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be. 

1.  Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 

1.  Crying is blackmail. 

1.  Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it! 

1.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That’s what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

1.  A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor. 

1.  Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days. 

1.  If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. 

1.  If you think you’re fat, you probably are.  Don’t ask us. 

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 

1.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

1.  Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 

1.  ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is. 

1.  If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that. 

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1.  If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…  Really. 

1.  Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 

1.  You have enough clothes. 

1.  You have too many shoes. 

1.  I am in shape.  Round is a shape. 

1.  Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that?  It’s like camping.

 

Humor: Tired of Jewish jokes? Here are some Gentile jokes.

 

All we ever hear are Jewish jokes, so here are some Gentile jokes:

 A gentile goes into a clothing store and says, “This is a very fine jacket.  How much is it?” 
The salesman says, “It’s $500.” 
The gentile says, “OK, I’ll take it.”  


Two gentiles meet on the street. 
The first one says, “You own your own business, don’t you?  How’s it going?” 
The other gentile says, “Just great! Thanks for asking!”  


Two gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children. 
Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): “My son is a construction worker!” 
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride):  “My son is a truck driver!” 


A man calls his mother and says, “Mother, I know you’re expecting  me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can’t make it.” 
His mother says, “OK.”  


A gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. 
The man says:  “I’ll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We’ll both have coffee.”  
The waiter asks, “How would you like your steak and salad prepared?” 
The man says, “I’d like the steak medium……the salad is fine as is.” 
The waiter says, “Thank you.”  

A gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, “Mom, how are you feeling?  Do you need anything?” 
She says, “I’m feeling fine, and I don’t need anything. Thanks for calling.”

Now you know why there are no gentile jokes.