Archive | May 2011
Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson‘s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
The 40th anniversary, take two
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 40th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel-casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”
“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”
“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”
“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to Room 217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.
George asked, “How much do you charge?”
“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”
Even George was taken aback. “$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25.”
Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”
“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”
George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”
The 40th anniversary
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, “HONEY, 40 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I’M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU’RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.” MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.Laws You Can Believe In
Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson‘s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
Men’s brains vs women’s brains – a user manual
I have no idea who this is, but I think he’s onto something.
Hell in a Handbasket 